With me no longer having my ultimate distraction of work, and I took it to the extreme….working massive hours, (that when I look back, weren’t necessary) not taking lunch breaks, or days off, and never ever taking a holiday, I’m struggling with what to do to keep my mind distracted and busy with things other than my endless negative spiral.
I keep trying to figure out what I want to do, and I come up with things, my partner helps a lot with suggestions, but they’re always short term, only taking up a couple of hours at most, I don’t seem to be able to do anything which may have a long term result. I don’t see a future anymore, I used to, but not anymore, and I’m yet again overanalysing and trying to determine why that is.
Currently there’s a legal issue happening in my life, and it could mean being sent to jail, but the reality of that is something my mind just cannot comprehend, and when I try, the anxiety and despair is so intense, the suicidal thoughts kick in, so I refocus on getting rid of those, letting the processing of the legal Matters go. I can no longer see past the disappointment in myself for going back to the thoughts of ending my life, I spent a long time there as a teen, and always refused and fought to not go back, and yet here I am, 34 years of age and googling suicide methods.
Anyway, back to distractions. There are so many things happening right now that there’s no shortage of things to think about, things to plan, but my attention span is so amazing (insert sarcasm) that I just go “meh” and leave things alone. There’s also a lot of options for me, I have a wonderful partner, 2 adorable but sometimes insanely frustrating dogs, I play games on my phone, read, paint, I love water and live near enough to beaches to visit them whenever I choose. So why the hell do I just want to sit at home wallowing?!?! That’s not me, well, it’s not the me I remember, but it’s as though someone else is controlling my thoughts and they threw all of my motivation in the rubbish then set fire to it.
Having OCD is almost a blessing in disguise, in that I can clean and make everything ok for a little while, I can allow my fixations to overrun my thoughts and just go with it, however, it’s not entirely healthy, and sometimes my fixating leads to frustration, which basically sucks.
My counsellor asked me the other day, if I ever stopped fighting the not knowing what to do, if I just was? I must’ve looked like a deer in headlights! What an absurd thought?! I had never even contemplated just being…..I’m still unsure as to why, and I still find myself fighting it. Even if I’m not physically trying to distract myself, mentally I am, my brain feels like it’s going a million miles a minute all the time.
The closest thing I can compare it to is when you’re on a train or in a car, and you’re looking out the windows, everything is flying by so fast, you can only catch small glimpses of things as you go by, small moments of clarity, with everything else being blurred and distorted. Each one of those small glimpses I get, I hang onto so fiercely because the blurring of everything else scares the crap out of me, it’s too much, too fast, too uncertain.
So, I’m trying to stop fighting my desperate need for distractions, and just be ok with not knowing, but it’s so hard. I will keep trying, and I may succeed eventually.
Blogging is definitely a good distraction, the process of slowing down my thoughts enough for me to form some sort of a coherent narrative is a challenge, but it’s not bad, just a different shift in focus.
That’s it for now I think….I’ll see what distractions I do or don’t come up with 🙂