So it’s turning out that I may be becoming either addicted or obsessed with blogging lol, not something I actually thought would happen.
Last night, after trying to sleep and failing I was thinking about how many different things I’ve been feeling over the past few months, there’s been what I suppose is the most common with depression, the hopelessness, despair, overwhelming sadness, the negativity, anger and anxiety.
Then there’s been some emotions that I’ve come to be so afraid of I find myself actively trying to avoid them, which in my logical brain (when it makes an appearance) is so absolutely ridiculous, because they’re really nothing to be afraid of.
Anger is a big one for me, I seem to completely despise anger, whether it’s myself being angry, or its coming from someone else, I feel myself shutting down, mentally and emotionally the second there’s any hint of anger, and I stay shut down for quite some time, I’m not entirely sure if staying that way is voluntary or not, but it feels safe, and yet at the same time not. I’ve always been an emotional person, I’m the one that is guaranteed to cry in a Disney movie, I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, I get teary if I’m happy, when my partner does sweet romantic things, so being shut down emotionally is strange, because I’m not sad, I’m not anything, it almost feels like I’m barely even existing.
On the flip side to anger, there’s happiness, I am petrified of feeling happy, again, odd for me, but it’s definitely there. I’ve shut myself off from the world, and I rarely let myself go to the point where I feel happy, reason being, I know it will stop and all the other crappy emotions will invade my heart and mind, and take over again, consuming all happiness and plunging me into the endless downward spiral that I fight against with every once of strength that I have, but it’s so freaking persistent, I become exhausted and give in, disappear from reality and become trapped.
Dragging myself out of those thought patterns is becoming increasingly difficult, there’s nothing that appeals to me, nothing that seems to even remotely stand of chance of being able to break it. I’ve started trying to go through a process of elimination, “what will help? I feel X, so will A, B, C, D work”? Then, lo and behold, I get caught up in that, obsessing over it in a way, then beating myself up mentally because I can’t get my shit together to drag my sorry as out of it…..and away I go
Sometimes it honestly feels like a game of battleship, not one I’m involved in, just observing, where my mind and thought patterns are constantly trying to counteract any slight move the other is making, and I feel powerless, like I can see both sides of the game board, but not actually have any impact on either side.
Always, that’s probably enough rambling on for now, this is helping me sift through what’s going on in my head and my heart, hopefully it will continue to do so.