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So I’m awake again in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, again.  This has become a somewhat regular (ok, every night) occurrence for me, gradually sleeping less and less.

Sleep and I were the best of friends, there was nothing I loved to do more, and when I didn’t get sleep, I was not happy, now however, sleep and I seem to have a very different relationship. 

Every night, I try to get myself to sleep, I usually read, have been falling asleep reading for as long as I can remember, but the amount of time reading, has become longer and longer in the last few months. My counsellor has advised me to keep doing this, and if I’m not asleep in 20 minutes, to get out of bed, do something relaxing until I start to feel tired/sleepy and try again, and keep doing so until sleep finally takes over. I’ve been doing this now for about a month, it’s not working as well as I had hoped.  I seem to spend more time out of bed than sleeping.

The doctor prescribed me sleeping pills a few weeks back, and  yes, they work, but the next day I have a headache and basically feel like shit, so I only take one here and there, generally when I get so frustrated with not being able to sleep.

With all the things that are going on, all the things that have changed both in my life and within myself, peaceful, restful sleep has to be one of the things I miss the most.

I would love to have beautiful dreams, instead of the disjointed nightmares that seem to haunt me when I do finally fall asleep. The feeling of waking up refreshed seems to have become a distant memory, instead I wake feeling tense, drained, sometimes covered in sweat, nauseous and afraid.

Nightmares intrigue me, they can be bizarre but feel so real, they can be flashbacks of events in my past, or things that have never happened, but are still frightening. The worst ones are those that I feel trapped in, where they are so real, you can feel the pain, you wake to your heart pounding, tears streaming down your face, shaking, panicking, and struggling to ground yourself, drag your mind back to the reality that you’re safe, you’re not hurt, and you’re ok. How can you’re own mind do this to yourself? That, intrigues me. My subconscious is a scary and somewhat dangerous thing for me, that I don’t trust, mainly because I have no control over it, and it seems to have some rather messed up things going on, that I either know nothing about, and frankly, I don’t want to know where that shit comes from, it scares the hell out of me.

Something else that has struck me as a bit odd, is that when I was an angry, depressed teenager, all I wanted to do was sleep, and now I’m “grown up” it’s the complete opposite? I get so incredibly tired sometimes throughout the day, that real dead tired where your body aches and your eyes are heavy, when you feel like if you stood still long enough you’d fall asleep standing, then, it comes to night time, and I cannot sleep, regardless of how tired I am, and honestly…I’m exhausted.