I’ve noticed that I have morphed into something that I cannot recognise as myself anymore. I can’t tell you when it began, and I can’t figure out exactly when I gave in, and I sure as shit cannot see a way back to where I once was, my past feels like I’m looking back on someone else’s life, not my own. And that
…well, it scares me, weirds me out a bit, and somewhat reinforces my “you’re going insane” thoughts.
I grew up in an interesting family, 2 brothers, 1 older than me, one younger, and my baby sister. Our dad was an alcoholic, and a rather nasty one as well, our mum took it all on the chin (sometimes literally) and we tried to keep it quiet, although when you’re father trashes the house and beats the crap out of your mum, it’s a little hard to go unnoticed. I had awesome grandparents though, well, except my grandmother on my mother’s side, she was most certainly one of the most evil people I have ever met, but that’s another story. My dad’s parents are beautiful, and my mum’s father, well, I idolised him, and I was crushed watching him die a very slow and painful death, cancer has to be the worst disease. The closest I had to a father back then was him, so needless to say I didn’t cope so well with him dying.
This trip down memory lane could go on for a while, and my reason for writing it is, I feel like that’s not me I’m writing about, I have no emotional connection to that person, I don’t even get sad reading/writing it! How freaking crazy is that?! I’m so disconnected from myself that it has no effect, and I sincerely have no idea why.
Now more into the present, and my morphing into what Ive become. Mood swings, aren’t they fun? (insert a lot of sarcasm) now those nasty little buggers, fly in, out of no where, with no warning and go “you thought you were happy,? NO!!! You’re filled rage!!! Oh no, sorry, my bad, you’re actually needing to sob your eyes out for no apparent reason…now carry on” meanwhile, you’ve just gotten so mad at someone, or something, usually at an inappropriate time, then if an argument hasn’t erupted, or sometimes, even if it has you’re crying, and inexplicably sad. I have said some stupid and hurtful things to people that are completely unwarranted, and so unlike me, I shock myself when they come streaming out of my mouth, then get so upset, that repairing the damage done is damn near impossible. Now I know everyone can be a bitch, and that’s totally fine, but oh my God have I become one, I had no idea I was capable of the things I’ve said/thought/done. How’s that possible? And how can I even begin to rationalise it?
The other part of this transformation I’ve noticed is indecisiveness, and not just a little, I’m talking extreme!! My poor, wonderful, patient partner asks me the most basic of questions, to which my standard reply has become “I don’t know” I’m not even doing it to be coy or polite or any of the other things people do, it’s because I genuinely do not know, and it frustrates the hell out of me, as I’m sure it must everyone else. I used to be so decisive, in every aspect of my life, from basic stuff to not so important, but I always knew, now….I just don’t. Being another factor in my downward spiral of negative thinking, it feels like I’ve lost my ambition, my drive, my willingness to have an active, happy, and fulfilling life, because I just don’t know anymore. When I’d look at my life, break it down, and think about where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, I knew, I could rattle of numerous things, now….there’s nothing. Making a decision now is so hard, even if it’s about what to have for dinner! Seriously!? That is not me, well, not the person I remember being.
So there it is, I’ve morphed into a whirlwind of emotional indecisiveness, with no attachment to her past, present or future…..that, to me, is a monstrosity I’m not sure how to change.