So I’ve been slack on the blogging front, a lot going on, not enough hours in the day, and the emotional and mental inability to focus on one thing for more than a few moments at a time has been a struggle.
I’m beginning to learn that everything is a process, one we either have to go through, or wait for. Most of the major things occurring in my life right now are caught up in some kind of process, and, much to my dislike, I have pretty much zero control over any of these processes.
My depression and OCD have been escalating over the past week or so, my moods are all over the place, and I’m assuming my OCD is going berserk due to my feeling so out of control that I’m striving to control something….anything, down to cleaning my kitchen and mopping the floors at 2am (which I do not suggest, they take forever to dry ;))
Anyways, back to “process”. My whole mental state, and dealing with it, recovering from everything has to be the process that is of course taking up the majority of my time and effort. Working through things with my counsellor is so incredibly hard at times, it feels like it sucks the energy right out of me. We’ve had some interesting moments over the past couple of sessions, and me being who I am, who wants everything to either fix itself or fuck off is struggling with the process of slowly working through things piece by damn piece, I just want to do everything all at once, and have it done. Well, turns out that sure as hell does not work, if anything it makes things worse because my anxiety kicks in and then everything seems so incredibly huge, it’s like trying to outrun an Avalanche. So, I’m learning to break Things down, bit by bit, and it’s hard, so hard, it’s almost like I’m having to change my entire thought process, one that I’ve had forever, and yes, I know it hasn’t worked too well for me, but I have lived in different states of denial my whole life, so adjusting to this new “real” way is pretty damn difficult.
Why is it that when you’re at your worst, your emotionally messed up, mentally scattered, and physically not that great, you push yourself so hard? Why not take the time that you need? Why do I feel that what I’m doing isn’t enough, and that I’m just moving at a snails pace, and I should be doing more, trying harder, making more of an effort? Is it because we’re taught that doing what’s right for ourselves, and putting our own wants and needs first is selfish? Is it because we use our own need to be doing more as a distraction and avoidance tactic? Or is it because, it’s easier to focus on what we think we “should” be doing, rather than being honest with ourselves and learning to be ok with how we are?
Overthinking is something I excel in and it’s usually not a good thing 😀 but when your mind seems to go not just into anxiousness, but then overthinking, holy shit are you in trouble, not only do you tend to come up with hundreds of different what ifs? You then progress to hundreds of different consequences and outcomes. Needless to say, that triggers off more anxiety, and unless you can redirect your thoughts, you’re kinda screwed. The other thing I’m finding is that redirecting my “avalanches” of fixating thoughts is an exhausting and repetitive task. One which I’m guessing I’m going to have to do a lot of.
There’s so many aspects to anxiety, it effects so many different parts of your life, I’ve never taken a close look at it, now I am, it puts it in a whole different perspective. I won’t dismiss it anymore, and even though it’s hard I’ll keep working on it, even when it feels like I’m trying to leash a tornado.
That’s enough of my ramblings for now