So I finally got to sleep, and was lucky enough to wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus, everything has a slow dull ache, sore throat, sinus pressure and earaches, oh the joy.
Needless to say, I feel like crap physically, and it’s not exactly helping on the emotional or mental fronts either. Everything just feels too difficult, too much of an effort, and I’m so upset with myself for feeling this way.
Why is it that when all you want is to be spoilt, coddled and loved, you become withdrawn and cold? I know what I’m doing is not going to get me what I want, and yet I continue to do so, amplifying the crappy feelings.
It feels that with each passing day a part of my heart/soul, the essence of me is dying, like this depression seeping into my core and I’m decaying from the inside out, fighting it feels pointless, and yet I continue to do so, without really making any significant progress, more just remaining stagnant, with no real push to go one way or another.
I know I’m no longer living, more just existing, and it’s hard to do. I don’t want to exist, and yet, sometimes I don’t want to live either, just want to let everything go, so I can no longer feel pain, inflict it upon anyone else, or let events and others bring my last shreds or hope crashing down.
Going through each day minute by minute, hour by hour, just wanting, wishing, begging the universe to just make everything better, trying to push away all the crap, and just enjoy even a fraction of my day, it’s just so damn hard…..wouldn’t it be easier to just give in? And if it would be easier, why can I not seem to do it?