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How do you get rid of all the pain? How do you find peace and joy again?

I feel so full of pain, sadness, despair, and if I had the energy, anger.  Things have gone so horribly wrong in my life and I can see no light at the end of it all. I have lost so much and I don’t know where to from here.

I have to go back to court soon, and I may go to prison, that destroys me, just the very thought, and I can see no way to get through it.  People have often told me how strong I am, I’m not, I’m falling apart, and I don’t think I can keep it together for much longer

I have an appointment with mental health next week, and it terrifies me, I’m scared that they’ll say I really am having a breakdown and going mad, I’m scared that they will lock me up too, take me away from my daughter and partner, the only things worth living for right now.

I had a doctors appointment today, with no result, just more waiting, waiting to see specialists, waiting for more tests, they want to change my medication because I’m not improving, but I have to wait for that too…..So much waiting, while I’m drowning in this endless sea of….well, there’s too many things, but it’s basically all just crap. My previous employer that has had me charged with stealing, is making sure I can’t even receive an income through government support, so, more waiting, no way to pay my rent, buy an Easter gift for my daughter or partner, nothing, my entire life feels totally out of my control, all I’m allowed and able to do is wait.

My anxiety is through the roof, I feel like my heart is always racing, I’m so paranoid about anything bad happening, leaving my home makes me nauseous. I hate who I’ve become, so much, there’s no words, but how can I get better? How? I’m so lost, so afraid. The inability to see a future anymore has shattered my heart into a million pieces, everything I once dreamed of feels so unobtainable.

I wish this was another one of my nightmares so at least I’d know once I wake up it will all be gone.