You could say I didn’t grow up in a “positive” environment, more one of fear. I never realised the impact that had on me until recently. My parents tried their best I suppose, I’m thinking that now, my idea of trying and theirs are two very different perspectives.
Being in prison, gives you a lot of time to think, to over think and over analyse, which, is generally not a good thing….well, not if you’re me that is. No one is perfect, and I’m definitely far from it, but who decides if you’re “successful”? Is it society? Our friends? Partners? Ourselves? All of those people have different definitions of it don’t they?
Society portrays success as being rich, beautiful, famous, friends see success in different ways – more personal, as well as those criteria society pushes us to meet. Partners, can be a mix of the two, and do we ever ever see ourselves as successful? Or do we more focus on the failings rather than the wins, I’m absolutely a failing focuser….and as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve spent a great deal of my life trying to be enough for my family, trying to make them proud, for what reason? I have no fricking idea…..God knows they don’t deserve that amount of effort and care, but it’s been there, my whole life. Now, since they’re disowned me, and I have no contact with any of them, it’s pretty hard to see myself as anything more than a rather huge let down.
I’m incredibly lucky to have the most amazing fiancé, and parents in law, They have been so supportive, and loving. It’s hard for me to process sometimes. It also highlights exactly how much my parents haven’t done, the games they’ve played, and the hurt they’ve caused. I’ve now seen and experienced what “real parents” are like, and it’s wonderful, at the same time painful, because I’m left questioning “what makes me so horrible that my own mother doesn’t love me?” That’s a hard pill to swallow, and, as a mother, there’s nothing that my daughter could ever do that would make me turn my back on her.
Since coming home from prison, and realising that I now have to makeover my entire life, not having my family in my life is painful, as well as a relief (which I feel guilty for). I no longer have the same outlook on things, and feeling any sort of self worth is a struggle.
Sometimes, I feel that I’m don’t deserve to have a family, that I’ve made so many mistakes, and let so many people down, that I’m better off not being able to hurt anyone else. Then, those that have stuck around, the ones who really do love me unconditionally cause this huge surge of anxiety because the thought of hurting them in any way shape or form just breaks my heart. It’s almost like I’m terrified of myself, of what I might do….that without realising it, I’ve been such a horrendous person my family (who are always meant to be there for you) have dumped me. Guess it’s a silly thought, that a mothers love is unconditional…..apparently that’s not the case, well, not for me anyway.
I’m going to therapy regularly, studying, trying to turn my days into something positive rather than the anxious, depressed black holes I’ve been existing in. Trying to “better” myself, to be a positive influence, to be someone who isn’t a failure. The feeling of being a disappointment is always there, It’s hard to feel happy when there’s so much still whirling around in my head.
Anyways, that’s enough rambling for now I think.