Yet again, not sleeping lol…this really is becoming my go to whenever I can’t sleep.
Things have been moving painfully slow…completely my own doing, however, I’m not happy with it. My numerous mental issues are making themselves more and more prominent with each day, I’m noticing small things that I would never have done prior to the last 6-8 months, and I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with my life, and myself.
I am so freaking uncomfortable leaving my home, and yet I’m bored. I have huge ambitions to change my life, the way that I live it….to turn my existence into something that I feel matters, and yet, I’m stuck…..very very stuck.
There’s only so many hours in a day, and only so many ways I can think of to change, and yet putting said things into practice feels impossible, because there’s all of these “distractions” around me. I put distractions in commas because, they’re not distractions, they’re excuses, but I use them as a way of avoiding doing anything remotely productive because, ultimately, I’m absolutely terrified of failing, of getting attached and/or involved in anything at all because I’m worrying that it’ll get taken away from me somehow. Now, I know this is illogical and really quite a bizarre way of thinking, hell, I wasn’t even aware of it until today.
My world was blown apart when I was sent to prison, and I knew that things wouldn’t be the same when I came home. I had absolutely no comprehension of just how severely this would impact my psychological and mental state. You don’t really get any preparation for what to expect when you’re released anyway, but, I am just blown away by how much has changed for me, and how crappy these changes have made me feel. It’s almost as though, I’m grieving for the life I’ve lost. Which, does make sense considering my entire world centred around my job previously (not healthy I know, but, it’s what I did) Now, my job and career as I knew it is gone. My “family” (however abusive and toxic they are) are gone, the person I thought I was, gone…..all of these things have left a pretty big hole in my life, and I’m not sure how to go about being ok with that, and moving forward.
My mind loves to take on these massive thought processes all in one go, and usually a meltdown follows and I push things aside and don’t deal because it’s too hard, insert “distraction” here. This is how I’ve been living. Not ok, and absolutely not what I want. I lack the follow through, there’s so much I’m like “yep, going to sort this out” then “look, I need to clean” and all of my conviction is gone.
I can talk the talk, but cannot walk the walk, and end up at night feeling lazy, depressed and in a way out of control. My mind is controlling my life, and I’m letting it!!! What the hell?!?! That’s not how I roll at all, well, it’s not how I used to live. It really messes with me, and even worse, I don’t know what I need to get out of this rut. My fiancé asks me continuously what I want, what I need…and I feel terrible that I simply don’t know. I can see how hard it is on her, and I hate it, I want so desperately to change and to be functioning on a level, even close to where I was previously….it just feels so far away, and I’m so impatient with myself, I don’t give in to that “You need time” thing.
For me, now, time is precious, and every second I get to spend out of prison is something I treasure, and yet, I still feel like I’m wasting it. Being unproductive is not something I’ve ever done well. Sitting around doing nothing, was something I did just before I burnt out, just so I could recharge long enough to start my hundred mile an hour life again. That’s not an option anymore, everything moves so slowly…my calendar is pretty much empty and that scares me, because I have to deal with all the things going on inside my head. I search, sometimes desperately for distractions, and when I can’t find one, I make ten. My brain loves to obsess over any tiny thing that will provide some other outlet for my attention, as long as I’m not confronting what’s going on.
The world has never really felt safe for me, and it’s even worse now. I’m paranoid, terrified of being out of the house, which has really become my sanctuary. I’m scared that if I let myself feel too much, or be too happy and free, that I’ll completely lose it if it’s all taken away from me again. Crazy right? I’m continuously thinking that something bad will happen and everything will change again. That terrifies me more than I can put into words. Even thought there’s no logical reasoning behind it, it’s there, and it sucks to be blunt.
Well, think that’s enough rambling on that for now. Funny how this blog helps, even if no one reads it, getting things out, even if they don’t make sense, helps to process a little bit more….that has to be a good thing doesn’t it?