Looking back on my life I’ve noticed that a rather large part of time has been taken up by trying to be enough. Now, I don’t know why I’ve done it, let alone, why I continue to do so.
My parents, for lack of better words – sucked. My father was an abusive drunk, and my mother was a pathological liar with a lot of shit from being raised by an extremely abusive mum. I spent soooo much time trying to be “enough” funny thing is though, there was never set criteria for this, I made it all up in my head….if I did well in this, then that will be enough…it never was, still isn’t.
I remember faking illnesses as a child, just for the attention. I’d purposely make myself sick – that, is seriously messed up. But, it happened, and I did it. I would try to always be the best…sometimes it worked, other times I would fail in a not so spectacular fashion. This went on for most of what I can remember from my childhood. My siblings were always enough for someone, my grandmother favoured my brother, my mother favored my sister. They never really had to do much.. Well, maybe they did, who knows?
I still haven’t found what I need to do to be enough…I will never know about my family, that is a bridge that won’t rebuild. But, as far as anything else goes, I still have no idea.
I’m not pretty, nor overly intelligent. I’m a self confessed workaholic who tends to put work before everything – and that generally never ends well. I’m quite angry and short tempered, I’m also selfish, but at the same time, would give anything and everything I have to someone. I want so much, but don’t. Seriously, I’m a whole bag of contradiction that just can’t figure itself out.
I don’t even know what’s enough for me….I’ve never really considered it. I’ve lived trying to be enough for everyone else, constantly seeking love and approval, but never giving it to myself. Being terrified of everything, and hiding from the world doesn’t work, so I try to be the best, fight tooth and nail to do everything everyone wants me to, whatever is asked of me….even if in my head I’m crying with exhaustion and anxiety…but I say yes, because I think that’s what they want, and that will be – enough.
It’s never enough, there is no end to how far people and life pushes me, and I think I’ve realized its that I don’t set boundaries, because I don’t know what is enough!
Truly, I have no freaking clue what I want, where I want to go, what I want to do, what I feel is enough….so I’m continuously running myself into the ground, burning out from mental, emotional and physical exhaustion because I have no limits on myself, and maybe I’ve conditioned myself to believe that what I can offer is never going to good enough….
Its 1am, and I worked a 10hr day yesterday, have to do an 11 hpir day in 8 hours, and I’m on here rambling about how I do this. Yet, I will get up and do it all again…
At 36, you’d think I would’ve learnt, but, no I haven’t.
Anyways, enough rambling, I should try and sleep, but even that’s a struggle, but, that’s another post 😊