Ever noticed that you’re not really here? Physically – yes…..but mentally and emotionally, you’re gone….? This seems to be the way I exist now.
Days, weeks, months go by, and if you were to ask me what I’ve done, I couldn’t truthfully answer you..I exist, I don’t live, and, I don’t know why. There’s times when I get so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions it feels like the entire world is invading my head (not hearing voices or anything) its just so much, so intense, and I just want to run…but I can’t, I’m too scared.
Its been over a year now since I came out of prison, and some days it feels like yesterday, others, it doesn’t even feel like it was me – like it was some strange movie or TV series I watched, and yet, it haunts me – smells, sounds, even people (who may bear the smallest resemblance to someone inside) can send my heart racing, I start shaking, a cold swear sweeps across me, along with a nauseating hot flush, and I feel like the world is funding upside down. Clutching onto my fiance, I try to anchor myself in the now, the present…only to be tormented at night with horrible dreams and its like I’m not even me anymore…I don’t know who I am.
The person I was is so crystal clear in my mind, and yet, when I try to figure out me now….its a blur, and a mess…a whirlwind of doubt, fear, anxiety and uncertainty. What do I do now? No freaking idea…
I have a job, I have a few friends, I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful fiancé, who loves and supports me, but I’m not here…. Nothing feels real, I’m so distanced from everyone and everything, just flailing and hoping it gets better….but it’s not.
Over the years, I have perfected the art of denial. I try to ignore and bury my problems in the recesses of my mind, in the hope that they will magically fix themselves and disappear, this, doesn’t work so well. However, I keep doing it. Its easier and more comfortable for me, but it hurts everyone around me as they don’t do what I do – they’re here, and I’m not. My eyes are open and I’m nodding and smiling in the appropriate (sometimes) places, but there’s nothing there – its empty, an endless void that I continue to drown in, because as afraid as I am – its easier to be there than it is to be me.