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Ever feel like the phrase “it’s fine” is stuck in repeat in your life? 

No matter what is going on with me, or even around me….I feel that I am forever saying “it’s fine” or “I’m fine” over and over and over.  But, it’s far from freaking fine, and I sure am about as far from fine as I can stand. 

What is it in our heads and/or hearts that seems to push us toward reassuring everyone around us? When inside there’s a whole lot of “omg!” And “how in the world am I going to fix this?” Happening.  The people closest to me often ask if I’m trying to convince them or myself, and, if I’m honest, its more that I’m trying to talk myself into it, because the reality of said situation is too much for me to bear. 

So, this is yet another cycle I am caught in. There’s so many aspects/dramas/ just crap really in my life right now, and I keep telling myself and everyone around me that “I’m fine” how do I stop it? Its almost like a reflex now, the words are out of my mouth before I even realize it…. I have NO idea how things will be fine, I just keep repeating it, maybe one day, it will be fine, but right now things aren’t, and I’m not. 

My fiance suffers with depression, Anxiety, ocd, and some other things….I know that she can see right through me, and yet, she chooses to believe my reassurances.  Its not something I understand. The whole thing seems to be such a contradiction, and yet, its how I’m going through my days, nights, weeks etc. 

I tried to take a step back today, look at things from a different perspective.  I got so terrified, I almost ended up in a full panic attack at work. (Admittedly not the best place to do this) I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, there’s just more crap, more roadblocks, more…..everything.  Yet I keep saying….”its fine” ? 

I’m 36, I should have my shit together, I don’t. I really really don’t.  I don’t know how, I fear I’m turning into the people I never wanted to be (my parents). 

Something I remember, is my mum always putting on the facade to everyone that life was all sunshine and roses. In reality, she was beyond broke, with an abusive. Alcoholic husband, who liked to bash anything and everyone.  I grew up seeing and hearing all the lies, all the reassurances to everyone that things were “fine”.  Maybe that’s why I do it? Maybe  I’m just too chicken shit to face my life and how much of a failure I’ve become. Really, I have no idea. 

Anyways, that’s enough ramblings for tonight.