The things that have happened to me over the last 2 years have changed me so much, and yet I’m still unsure if it was for the better.
Leaving behind the shell of a person I had become, trying to make sense of the shattered and broken person I am now is exhausting, I fail each and every day to get on top of it all and make the right choices, move in the right direction, do what is considered right.
There is a constant fear that I will never improve, that I will always be the failure, the one that had potential and wasted it. The outcast, the one with all the skeletons in her closet, living in fear because someone, somewhere may recognize me, and call me out on all the shit things I have done, announce to the world that I am not the person everyone thought, more of a fraud than anything.
I consider ending it all; taking those prescription pills all at once, and just hoping that I slip into a sleep I never wake from. The belief that the people in my life would be better off without me is one I’ve held for as long as I can remember, and yet, I am still here.
Am I ever going to see myself as anything but a failure and a let down? I dont know….you’d think after all this time, there would be at least something I dont hate about myself, I cant think of anything offhand, but there must be a reason as to why I am still here.
The biggest impact has been jail, it broke me, in almost every conceivable way. I no longer feel the same eay about life, love, people, the world as a whole. There is a daily struggle against these demons that haunt me, throw me back into the mindset of constant fear, anger and paranoia. I’m kept awake every night, even though I have been working all day and am physically exhausted, my brain never stops, never slows down…all I want is some peace, no matter how short of a time frame I’m given, I just want the thoughts and feelings to stop, give me a reprieve….I’m so tired, so so tired.
Maybe this is why I consider dying to be a good thing. Its an end. But, maybe its not….who knows?
I want to be everything I can be, but I have no idea what that is.
I dont want to hurt anymore, or be afraid, or angry….I just dont see that ever happening.
The outside me that everyone sees seems so ok…tired, yes, but ok. Inside I’m shattered, a million tiny broken pieces that will never fit back together, no matter how hard i try, I don’t think I have it in me to ever be whole again.