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So, my depression, anxiety, ocd is kicking my ass and destroying me from the inside out.  There’s not even a shred of control left in me, and I cant say it out loud. 

My mind races with horrible thoughts, paranoia is constant, I’m scared to sleep, but I’m so tired.   Withdrawing from my partner faster than the speed of light….feeling like I’m  trapped inside my body watching, while  someone else lives my life. 

I can write, but I can’t speak, I can hear, but I cant listen, I can feel pain, but I  cant cry.  I dont know where to start when I just want it all to end. 

How do I tell the people who love me the most that I can’t bear life anymore? That I’m terrified every time I leave the house, that I’m trapped and can’t figure it all out? 

I’m so burnt out and run down. Working over 60 hours a week just to try and escape my mind (it’s not working by the way ) now I dont even want to go to work, I just want to shut myself away and hope like hell I disappear.  

There’s no set thing that has sparked this latest spiral….guess it’s just life building up and my inability to deal.

Im so stuck….

There’s thoughts of dying, confusion, I’m suspicious of everyone and everything.  Im so freaking moody and sad.  I’m empty, I hate myself more than I ever have, find myself repulsive and disappointing. Why? 

How can my own mind be turning on me and spiralling out of control with no end in site?  

How am I meant to explain this to my partner? How to tell her that I don’t want to leave the house because I dont have a certain pair of underwear on, so therefore the day will be a mess? That I have to leave lights on and doors open because I think there’s people there that aren’t? That I can’t get out of bed in the morning because I’ve been awake or having nightmares most of the night. That I don’t deserve her love, patience or understanding because I honestly believe I am worth nothing, that I’m a failure, and I’m ugly, that my whole existence is nothing but a waste of energy? 

There’s no control anymore, my mind races and  the emotions are too strong, it pulls me under every day.  I dont know how I got here, but I can’t seem to get out. I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing anymore, but I feel like there’s no way out. 

Even this post feels rather disjointed and more like the ramblings of a crazy person than anything else.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it, but, then again, that’s how I feel about everything now. 

xx

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