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I’m not sure if I breathed properly throughout my sentencing.  Listening to the prosecutor make his case, then my “lawyer” make his…I couldn’t look up, couldn’t stop myself from shaking, focusing on fighting tears back….I knew I wasn’t going home.

The judge called a recess, and retired to their chamber. I went outside for a cigarette with my fiancé.  I was more than terrified…I dont know how to explain that fear. There was a person within the building I was standing in front of that had the power to rip me away from everything, I contemplated what I would do, I came up with nothing, I didnt know what I would do.  I could barely meet my fiances stare, she was so scared, so worried. 

We got the call that the judge was back….we went back in, I stood next to my lawyer and slowly looked up.  The judge began to speak, I can’t tell you what was said, I  jist remember turning to my lawyer and whispering “I’m going to jail, aren’t I?” He didn’t respond, and I knew I was screwed.  The sentence was handed down.”14 months to serve 5″ Something inside of me shattered, I turned to my fiance, kissed her goodbye and handed her my things.  I was escorted to a small perspex box (dock) and had to sit there and wait to be taken away.  I will never ever forget the pain in my partners eyes….it was soul destroying, seeing the person you love so heartbroken, scared and desperate is not something you ever forget.  I silently mouthed for her to go – I was so close to losing it….and I couldn’t, not yet, not there.

The prosecutor ended up escorting me down to the watch house, I was, I suppose in shock, I remember asking him what had just happened..he told me I was to spend 5 months in prison, then be on parole for 9 months. Nodding my head and trying desperately to control the shaking I was escorted to a desk where a police officer was asking me questions. It almost sounded like she was muffled for a while….I could hear a rushing sound, thought I was going to be sick, still to this day I have no idea how I didn’t throw up or pass out. 

The answering questions passed by in a blur.  My shoes were taken off me, as was my bra and jacket.  I was put into a cell that was cold and bare..a heavy door was closed behind me and once the key turned in the lock, there was nothing….

A police officer came in later that night to bring me food.  I’d spent so long crying, my eyes were almost swollen shut, I couldn’t eat, to be honest, I’m not sure what he bought me.   I remember asking him what happened now? He said that they would organise a transfer to another watch house then I would be transferred to the prison.  Pretty safe to say I was in shock and asked if I could make a phone call, I needed to hear my fiances voice…. he said yes he would organise it and left….all I remember is crying until I fell asleep. 

The next morning came and I was informed I was being moved to another watch house.   Barefoot, cold and terrified I was escorted out to meet another two officers who looked at me like I was a piece of shit.  They handcuffed me, processed my paperwork, and put me in the back of a police car.  When it drove outside the sun hurt my eyes and no matter how hard I tried i couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face, it was a constant stream, and I could feel my heart breaking.   The officers talked amongst themselves, never said a word to me.  I began to realise that i waa no longer a person, but a criminal now.  Those steel handcuffs were a weight I would feel forever. 
**This post took me a long time to write, it was a lot more painful than I had expected.  More confronting to actually type it all out.  I’ve cried more than once writing it.  I’ll try to write more soon. If anyone’seven reading this ❤

xx

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