Another late night, can’t sleep post lol, I’m not sure if this is becoming a habit or not 😊
Today has been a rough day, It’s been a roller coaster, and the only time I really caught a break from it was watching Disney Pixar movies 😳 a little escape from reality and my mind was welcome.
I’m beginning to really notice how not ok I am. I’m getting frustrated and emotional over the smallest things, there’s so much stuff I want to do, and yet absolutely no motivation or drive to do anything…not even leave the house. I’m even getting stressed out about people being in our house, even the thought freaks me out at times.
The feeling of control really seems to be disappearing for me. My life post jail is so far from anything I’ve ever experienced before and it’s thrown me. Currently we are in Financial dire straits, and, always being a workaholic and earning money has been my thing, that’s totally gone now, and me returning to work isn’t an option that’s factoring in when I struggle to leave the house, let alone a potential employer even considering hiring someone who’s been in jail for stealing.
I feel like I’m even restricted at home, other than the obvious restrictions that anxiety and such pose. My fiancé has become very set in their ways, it’s kinda always been like that, but I feel that it’s escalated since I’ve been in. Now that I’m home, I almost feel guilty for doing things around the house, because it seems that I do it “wrong” or too much, I’m terrified of being a hassle, or annoying or anything like that, and I’m probably overreacting, and making something out of nothing, but it is how I feel, and it does seem to create a problem between us.
In jail, you’re thrown into an environment where you’re scared and alone, you’re desperate to find someone, anyone to help you just get through, and yet, you can’t trust anyone. Everyone (for the most part) has a hidden agenda, and help always comes with a price. You have to abide by not only the institutions rules, but also that of the more “senior” prisoners. You really have no freedom, no control, and for someone with OCD I found that to be a real problem. Now, it feels like I need to be in control all the time, and when I’m not, I react emotionally, and, I’m sinking back into the shut it all off behaviour, something that has failed me repeatedly, and yet I continue to return to it.
I’ve become increasingly protective of myself, mentally and physically. I get defensive and somewhat annoyed at my fiancé when they’re suggesting ways to help me, I get overwhelmed and freak out in a way, then, down comes that door and I just want to shut everything away. You can’t do that on the outside, the world keeps turning, and there’s no where to hide from it. The honest truth is I don’t even know where to start “recovering” from all this. All I know is that I’m not the same person I was, and, I don’t know who I am anymore.
Never in my life would I have ever anticipated that I would find just “living” to be so damn hard. Not that I’m suicidal or anything, I just struggle through every day, and I don’t know how to change. My past issues, seem to be compounded by my new ones, and dealing with it really does feel like an impossible task.
I have always had trust issues, I try and see the good in everyone, but I’m always wary that they will betray/hurt me in some way. I don’t think I’ve ever fully believed that I deserve to be helped, loved, respected and now, that has become worse, I’m fearful of people who seem to want to help, I’m scared that it’ll blow up in my face and leave me worse off than I was before.
Asking for help, admitting that I’m not coping….well, that’s another battle that takes far too long, and I’m sure drives those close to me crazy. They can see me struggling and yet I refuse to admit it, and I keep doing so until I just break down, and then it takes me days to recover from the meltdown.
Feeling crazy is something that’s becoming a more common occurrence. Not totally bat shit crazy, just enough to not be able to function. There’s just too many emotions, and I get lost in them so easily, they really are controlling me, and my ability to claw my way out of the consuming black hole is just dissipating the longer it continues.
Anyway, think that’s my ramblings done for tonight.